self realization is important to anyone. what others think of you is just a reinforcement. during the past week, i realize that i dont know myself. which is so sad. to think that after 16 years of living, i would finally figure it out, but nooooo..

i thought that maybe im typical, average, plain etc. but im actually not. to be frank, i think im schizophrenic. i still talk to myself out loud sometimes. i would make up conversations and be both persons talking without even bothering about accents. did you know that thats a mental condition? its called TTH. freaky huh. but then again a mental patient would not realise that he is mad and is living a life of self-denial, which differs me from a mental patient. yes, one gets to know these things when one of their parents works in a a mental institution.

i miss my mum these days. never get to see her much because i usually come back home late and she's been working the night shift these past few days. she knows practically everythg about me, minus the boys, because when your mother gets a say on who you're dating, it would just be plain wrong. because at the end of the day, you wont get the satisfaction of knowing that you have made the right/ wrong choice.

speaking of boys, i think im having boy troubles, which is so not me. i think i tend to shun guys away even before they could make their move and for that i apologize. if it is one thing i know about myself, its this. im not ready. even though sometimes i tried reasoning it out in my head, i still know that im not. maybe, i never was. my brain's switched on to 'can-we-just-be-friends' mode since the year started and i have no idea when its switching back. maybe i've finally learnt my lesson after what happened the year before. ouh btw, the couple finally broke up. about time, if you ask me. not that i was hoping for it but it was expected all the same. he was too blind to notice that she cheats on him. and he still didnt know what hit him when they eventually broke up. sad.sad.sad. thats one. the other one came out from nowhere n wished me happy birthday. bear in mind, i've nvr talked to him in my whole time in tms and yet now he wishes to contact me, after he already graduated. talked the talk and he backed away. weak,weak,weak. thats another one. the third one. i really do not know what he's intentions are so until i get to the bottom of it all, i shall not comment any further. the forth one. he smiles. that to me is an achievement already because he's really hard to get through. we never ever talked but today he smiled. twice. not bad.

anyway, tonight, this bugger made me wonder about my future. he made me realised that i really have no goals in life or a profession im interested in. well honey, screw all that, i just wanna live my life to the limit and love every second of it. but thank you for trying to 'apologize'.. you can be sweet sometimes..